Black Notebooks and Inner Thoughts
by Lost4now
Summary: An inner side to Kyoya Ootori's hard struggles with himself and his father's pressures. It's a different take as to what his notebook is used for and gives him an almost more understandable approach.
1. Chapter 1 - The Thoughts of a Child

I sit there in the Ootori doctor's office, a place that seems so familiar to me. I look around and remember each individual time out of the probable hundreds that I've been present in this room.

Before, everything seemed decided. I knew what was happening, and the doctors were there to fix it. That's how things worked. But this is different.

My ten-year-old hands shake and tremble. From deep inside of me, a huge fear grows and spills over. I have a feeling that I know what this is, but I don't allow myself to think that way. I clench my fists tighter and my jaw closes so tightly I swear my teeth will crack. My eyes grow red and full, but I use all in my power not to let the tears stream down. I feel afraid.

The doctor re-entered the scene and I found myself looking up at him, my clenched fists vibrating again.

"What's wrong with me?" I hear myself asking in my mind. This man knows.

"Kyoya?" The doctor says from behind his clipboard. He sits in a rolling chair and faces his desk - away from me - to write on a few papers and seems to get out a notebook of some sort.

I stay silent, but tune my ears into everything he says or does. The answer is here...and I'm terrified of knowing it.

The man turns around, his fading black hair seeming silver in the well-lit examination room. He sighs rather heavily, not very professionally. His eyes come up from his black clipboard and meet mine. I start shaking again, my heart in my throat, trying to remind myself to breathe.

"Kyoya. As you are aware, we have been doing a few different tests recently, because your sister has said you are out of sorts. I assume you are quite curious as to what we have come up with and are probably thinking different options right as we speak."

I nod, my short hair getting messed up slightly with the force in which I move my head. I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and let out a small sigh, bringing my hand to my side slowly.

"Yes, Fuyumi told me that she thought I needed help. I don't understand why, though. This is not what father would have wanted, sir. I should not be troubling you so much. I must apologize and bring myself out of your presence before either of us is ejected from the Ootori residence." My voice shakes by the end of my small speech and I make a motion to sit up.

"No, Kyoya. Forgive my firmness, but you must stay. We have a diagnosis."

At those words I freeze. He does know. There is something wrong with me.

"It seems as though you have clinical depression...and anxiety problems. You need a proper way to let out your feelings. One in which you can let it all go without fear of your father."

I begin to cry at this point. I can't help myself. "There's no way for me to make it to my father's expectations. I must keep trying. I cannot mess up again. He does not accept anything less than the best. I must keep going I need to-" I break off and start sobbing in the middle of the exam room. This is heartbreaking; I have depression. And I can't fix it.

"Kyoya, please listen to all I have," the doctor says after a little while. "You need to let out your feelings. So, I have this for you." The man hands me a black notebook, standard size, with beautiful paper. I instinctively stroke the spine and feel the thickness of the papers. So smooth...

"You are to write down anything and everything you think, feel, or react to in this notebook. You will have to keep this with you as often as you can, and you must write the truth. It should help you to get yourself to understand what you feel. Most people feel relief as they write into their journals. Please take care, now, and I will see you on your next scheduled visit."

I stand up slowly, in shock and rather hurt. I look at the notebook as I walk back to my room, carefully avoiding my father and older brothers. I sit on my bed and look at it some more.

"Thoughts, emotions, reactions, hmm...?" I frown at it and put it under my bed, for safe keeping. Along with it is a pencil.

And I think about it all night.


	2. Chapter 2 - The One Friend

I sit in my bedroom, holding the black notebook to my chest. It has been almost two years since I had first received it. I'm surprised at how easily the words flow through my black pen and into its pages.

Many of the pages are full. Very soon I will need another notebook.

Its lovely sleek cover holding the beautiful and intact pages hardly leaves my side. When at home, I store it under my bed, so that none shall read what is within its pages. When away, I keep it in my arms at all times, constantly scribbling and scratching down thoughts.

No one sees what is in it. Not one person. Except for her…

I've always seen this girl around. Her parents work along with mine in a similar business. She is the only one that I've been allowed to speak with, the only other child, and that is purely because of the business.

Regardless of such fact, I can hardly keep my mind off of her. Many of my entries are written about this wonderful and studious girl. Her hair bounces when she talks. Her eyes light up when she smiles. And she smiles all the time…to me.

"Kyoya?" She asks, giggling next to me and trying to look over to what I'm writing. "What are you always doing with that notebook of yours?"

I look over at Amaya and feel my cheeks grow red. I look down so that my blush doesn't show; my father would not be pleased.

"Kyoya?" Amaya giggles and nudges my shoulder, trying to get me speak. "Come on, you can trust mee!"

I close my notebook and set down the pencil. I stare at the black cover sitting in my lap and think.

"Amaya…" I say before I can stop myself.

She notices the seriousness in my voice and drops hers to a low hum. "Yes Kyoya? Are you alright…?"

"Your name means 'night rain' and…" I look up into her blue-grey eyes and lose my breath.

"Yes, Kyoya. It does." She speaks gently to me. I feel my heart melt just at the sound of her voice.

"And I think there's nothing more beautiful than that…" I whisper to her, my voice gone almost entirely, and my eyes filling with those darned tears again.

Her eyes fill as well, and she gently touches my shoulder with one hand. I look at her hand, and no sooner do I than she grabs me into a large and tight hug, crying on my shoulder.

"Does that mean…do you…" She stutters.

I lift my head and gently brush away her tears, as mine flow down themselves.

"Do you…love me…?" She asks, her twelve-year-old hand hovering over mine, and shaking just enough for me to tell.

I hesitate. "I couldn't commit to you." I say. What a foolish thing to have said.

"I…I see…" her voice cracks and she starts up, beginning to walk away. I grab her wrist and pull her into an embrace.

"I cannot commit. But I promise that you will never leave my thoughts. You wouldn't want me anyway…" I mutter over her head, my chin rested on her hair.

"Kyoya…" she sobs, holding onto my tan sweater-vest. "I've always wanted you…"

I'm surprised by this statement. "You don't know who I really am…" I respond, putting some distance between us.

"Then tell me. Let me read your notebook. Let me know who you are. Let me be the one you talk to. Let me understand…let me be here for you…" She says, rather firmly. "I won't let you slip away from me, Kyoya. No, I won't. I love you…"

I'm utterly shocked. I pull away from the embrace and look down at my notebook. Could I really part with it for an entire night? Do I not need it? I contemplated…

In the end, the book stayed at her house. For the whole night. That was too hard.


	3. Chapter 3 - A New Experience

**Thank you to those who have read my story so far. I do not know how many chapters there will be, but I was planning to go until Kyoya is an adult. I will be skipping times for most (if not all) of the chapters.**

**I apologize to MugsyLennon for seeming as though I have stolen your plot line. I hope that as new chapters come out (and probably not many more will come) they will not seem as much like a "thunder and lightening" pair. I do deeply apologize and hope that you not be mad with me. ~Lost4now**

**I will not be writing many more chapters, and likely will not publish anything after this story is completed. So please, enjoy this for while it is here, and I will see you again at the next published update**

I stand there after school, looking at the strange blonde boy. He's crying again.

"What is it that you want to hear?" I ask him, somewhat exasperatedly.

He looks up at me with a tearstained face. "I want you to join my club. I…"

I know what he's going to say before he even says it. 'I don't have any friends.'

I nod in silent understanding and exhale loudly and slowly. "I'll consider it. I'll…"

I think back to Amaya and when she asked me about my notebook almost a year ago. She seemed really hurt when she returned it to me, but still she claimed to love me. I felt my heart swell a little bit with that new warm feeling that I'm starting to like so much. She loved me. She really did. My one and only friend…even after she learned all I think and feel… I can hardly believe it.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts. This is someone else, trying to force themselves on me. I'm a bitter, cruel, hating boy. I hate my father. That's right, I hate him. And yet I'm afraid. I cannot do anything other than what he says; for fear that he will hate me entirely once and for all. I must do all and more than he says to do. And it's never good enough.

Even now, he tells me to befriend this strange blonde. He tells me that befriending the son of Ouran Academy's chairman will be a good investment for him. For _him_. Never for me. No, he's never cared about me. Even when I was little and would trip and hurt myself and cry out to him, he would just glare at me and say: "I expected more from you. You are a disgrace to the Ootori name, and must work much harder than that if you ever shall impress me."

At my recollections I feel the gloom enter my head. I can't keep thinking like this. I need to get it out of my brain. I need my notebook…

Where is it?

I fly into a panic, my eyes wide and my heart pounding furiously. _Where is it where is it where IS IT?_

I collapse to the ground, hands on my head, tugging on my hair. I let out a wail of disbelief, completely forgetting that the blonde idiot is there.

"Kyoya, are you alright?" I hear from beside me. I jump and scream, tears now coming full force down my face. And I hate myself for it.

"Kyoya, whatever is hurting you I can help you to fix. Please, join my club and we can get to be even closer friends." He smiles at me, reaching a hand out to mine. I press on my head with my hands, incredulous of the fact that I need help from this weirdo. That Tamaki Suoh is the one who is supposed to help _me._

"My…my notebook…" I whisper, my knees curled up to my chest. I bite my hand to keep from wailing again. Tamaki nods and starts to glance around the place.

"Last I remember, you had it when you were in study hall at the end of the day. Come, let's go get you your notebook." He smiles at me again, gently, and pulls me to my feet. Dragging my heels slightly, I walk with him, wiping my face and feeling my cheeks burn in fury.

None of this can reach my father.


	4. Chapter 4 - Breaking Down

**Thank you to all who have read, favorited, and reviewed my story! This really is relating a lot to what I'm feeling and going through, so I'm trying hard to make it as realistic as possible. I hope that you enjoy my take on Kyoya's life and let me know what you think.**

**If you want me to keep writing this for much longer than just 8 or so chapters, please let me know! I'll try my best to make it as long as possible, without making it ramble.**

**Thanks again! ~Lost4now**

The other members of the club never see me distressed. I have learned, over the years, how to disguise myself with a large, shadowy shell. I'm the King of the Shadows. The King of the Lies. The King of 'yes, I am alright,' even though truthfully I feel a dagger in my throat with every breath I take.

There are only three people who ever come close to knowing what goes on inside my head. Four, if you count my notebook.

There's Fuyumi, Tamaki, and Amaya. Those three are the only ones who even have a clue as to what I am going through. Fuyumi is never home, not anymore. I never get to talk with her anymore. Checked off of the list. Down to two. Amaya is going around and traveling to different places with her tutors as she learns. One more person, scratched out of reaching distance. Tamaki is the only one left. The eccentric and irrational blonde who acts only out of instincts. He's the only one that I have left to understand me.

I'm standing here in the club room, scribbling into my notebook, as usual. It has been a particularly difficult day, and I can't seem to shake off the notion that the world would be better off without me…

"Have you even heard what I've been saying…?" I hear Haruhi's voice pull me out of the trance I'm in. I shake my head to clear my thoughts and put on my usual greasy smile.

"I do apologize, but you must realize with running the club and having to deal with so many calculations and numbers, it does tend to take my mind away," I respond. "Remember, I still have a full tally as to what you owe, Haruhi."

She grumbles. "I was just wondering what happened to Tamaki-senpai… He hasn't seemed right for a while…"

I lift up my head, confused. "He hasn't seemed right…? Hm…I'll have to look into that." I push my glasses up my nose and close my notebook, suppressing a heavy sigh. Only one more week until the end of the school year… Then I can go and get away… I can leave this behind and try to relax for a while… I can meet up with Amaya… We can talk and I can ask her what I've been dying to ask for years… For four years… Ever since she told me…that she loved me…

Haruhi looks over at me, visibly concerned. I realize that I'm crumpled on the floor, head in my hands, notebook to the side, and shaking uncontrollably.

"Sen…senpai…?" She makes a motion either to come and sit next to me or to run and call the others for help.

I run my fingers through my hair and collect myself and my belongings. "Please excuse that sudden behavior, it shouldn't happen again."

"But senpai, I—"

I wave her off and walk away. "No, no, you've done enough. I won't trouble you any longer. I'll see you tomorrow, Haruhi. And remember about your quota."

With that I leave the school.

And break down in the entrance to the rosebush maze.

He finds me there. I don't know how, but he does. It's almost as though he has a sixth sense or something.

"Get out."

He shakes his head and sits next to me. "Kyoya, I'm not going to let you get through this all on your own. I haven't so far and I won't stop now."

"Just leave me ALONE, DAMMIT!" I scream at him, now enrage. I jump to my feet and glare at him, my eyes burning with fiery rage. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE, EVERY SINGLE DAY. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DEAL WITH. WHAT MY MIND GOES THROUGH. WHAT I FEEL. WHAT I THINK AND WANT TO DO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT! FOR ALL I CARE YOU CAN GO JUMP OFF OF A CLIF! MAYBE I'LL GO DO THAT NOW TO!" With that, I run through the maze at a full sprint, hardly looking where I'm going.

I trip and come crashing down, crumpled on the ground and wincing with every breath. To avoid the pain my breathing slows. It stops. And everything turns black…


	5. Chapter 5 - The Close Encounter

**I really hope you don't hate me for this...it is rather cold... But I do have a plan! As you'll see by the end of this chapter :)**

**I really hope you support what I'm doing with Darling Kyoya...**

**I love you guys! 3 Thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next episode! ;)**

**~Lost4now**

I look at her. She's sitting right next to me, her cheeks rosy and her caramel hair bouncing as she turns her head. The beautiful loose ringlets curl around her face with an effortless gem of loveliness.

She smiles and looks away, one hand resting on her lap, mine laying by her side. The clouds grow darker and a light rain begins to spread.

She looks up at the sky in a silent wonder, with amazement visible on her face. "Wow, Kyoya…isn't it beautiful? The rain… It's almost as if…" she blushes and turns her head away.

I move to view her from the side, at a slightly lower position. I think I see her blush a little harder, and surprise myself by finding that I am blushing as well. "Almost as if what, Amaya?" I ask her gently.

"Well…it's almost as if the skies are letting go… It's as if the sky is getting all of its troubles out at once and with pain is making a rebirth of everything…"

She trails off and slowly ventures to look up at my eyes. I can see her reflection in the lenses as I look back to her blue-grey eyes. "Like you have to do through your notebook…" She whispers these words and keeps looking at me gently, making my heart melt.

I stand up and leave my notebook on the bench. I look up at the sky and take off my glasses. Rubbing my eyes, I set the lenses carefully down onto my notebook.

Amaya blushes and shyly looks down at her feet. I gently take her hand.

She looks up at me with watery and hopeful eyes, holding tightly to my hand. I pull her up gently and hold her in a firm embrace.

"Amaya…" I whisper her name, my chin rested on the top of her head. Her hair smells like lavender, her breath is quick and short as I hold her to my chest.

I feel the water of the sky come down onto my shoulders and drip off of my hair. I shield her with my body to keep her as dry as possible. And yet, I feel warm drops stream down my front.

She's gently crying in my arms. I kneel in front of her and wipe the tears away. "Why are you crying, my princess?"

She looks down at me and tears up again. "Does this mean…does this mean you do love me…?" Her eyes are full of hope and desire, and my heart fills to bursting.

I stand up slowly. I hold her soft and warm hand in mine, feeling delicate and fragile. I put my other arm around her waist and she tilts her head up in confusion, the tears still coming.

I take a deep breath…and lean in.

"Kyoya…" I hear through the pounding rain. "Kyoya…are you alright?"

I open my eyes again. I see indigo eyes near mine. Tamaki. He found me.

The rain is still coming down, by now a thunderstorm. I lurch on the ground in gross sobs, no longer caring to sensor myself from him.

"Kyoya…I'm glad you're okay…" Tamaki whispers as he sits next to me. "Come over to my house today…we can hang out, talk, get your mind off of things…you need it."

I begin to protest, but he shakes his head. "That's not a question. It's an order. As your president, I demand you come over and hold teddy bears with me as we watch old movies and laugh." He smiles at me.

I nod and get up eventually with him, and we walk together back to the entrance of the maze. My head is still pounding with the image of the kiss, and know I need to see her again, as soon as I possibly can.


	6. Chapter 6 - A New Endeavor

**So guys, here we go. Not the end, of course not, but here comes some action!**

**And if you're thinking that Tamaki is acting rather...exceptionally affectionate towards Kyoya, then you'll see what I do with that later *smile***

**Thanks, to all of you princesses and princes out there reading this story!**

**~Lost4now**

I'm sitting with Tamaki in his sitting room, watching old movies and eating chips without a second thought. My notebook lies on the coffee table, next to an iced tea glass on an orange coaster. No one else is coming in, as expected, so the two of us have time to just sit.

"Tell me what's on your mind, Kyoya," he says eventually, after a long pause. I sigh and pretend to ignore him. Gently, he reaches his hand on mine, in an endearing manner.

"Kyoya, I need you to tell me. The only way I can make a difference is if you let me know what's going on." He whispers to me and squeezes my hand lightly. I feel the blood rise to my cheeks as I think about my dream again and rip myself out of his grasp and tear off running to the bathroom.

I can tell he's following me. I can hear him behind me. I slam the door shut and lock it as I run into the room. Leaning with my back against the door, I sink to my knees, holding my face in my hands.

Millions of thoughts run through my head all at once. _Will I ever see her again? What if I never get to tell her I love her? Do I love her? Will I ever know? Does she still love me? Does she want me still? Can I kiss her? Why does that idiot Tamaki care so much about me? Why can't Amaya be home now? Why can't I just _die_? Why why why why WHY?_

I stand up and scream, punching the wall in front of me. Tamaki carefully unlocks the door with a spare key he has, in case the lock on the door ever broke. I collapse to the ground, hands in my hair, pulling on the black fibers connected to my head.

Without a word, Tamaki takes me and holds me until I stop my screaming. I wipe my eyes and sniffle once, before getting up to wash my face.

"You were thinking of _her_ again, weren't you?" His voice echoes over the sound of the faucet running. I stop and sigh, willing my notebook to be in my hands again.

"Amaya…she…I…" I choke off, unable to articulate what I'm trying to say.

"What was it you were dreaming about when you fell unconscious? Was it her? What happened?" He asks gently.

I sigh and brace the sink with my hands, so that I don't fall again to the ground. "We were together in the rose garden. She and I were sitting on a bench together, and it was raining…I got up and took her and then we…" I trail off and put a hand to my lips. He nods in understanding.

"Sounds to me like you're lovesick…" he speculates, a small and bittersweet smile forming on his lips. "I know just what you need."

I look at him confused, craving to hold the coarse and fragile black binding of my notebook, to feel the crinkly papers in my hands.

He takes my itching hands in his and says with a smile, "Let's get you to Amaya."

There's only one week left in school. Amaya is all the way in France right now. I don't have the ability to go and see her. There is no time.

And yet…there's no one I would rather be with right now than her… She's all that gets me through this horrible nightmare of a life…


	7. Chapter 7 - The Beginning Anew

**So here we can see things intensify a little bit more. We also see a little bit into Tamaki's side of the story. I have an inspiration for the next week or so, and hopefully can add more chapters soon! Probably another update tonight!**

**~Lost4now**

Tamaki looks over at me and nods. Between us on the coffee table lie my notebook and a cell phone on speaker, currently ringing Amaya.

_Brrriiiiiiinnngggggg….._

It rings.

_Brrriiiiinnnngggggg…_

_Brrriiiinnnngggggg…._

_Brrriiiinnnngggggg…._

It rings. Then it stops. The phone sounds like someone is picking up. A girl gasps and drops the phone. The line dies.

"No…no…no no no NO NO!" I pound my fist on the table and grab my notebook. Tamaki looks alarmed and makes a motion to stand up with me, but I'm already bolting out of the door. I run outside and sprint all the way to the school. In the heart of the rose garden I stay there for a long time. It's already dark out and hardly a bird is chirping. It's the beginning of spring, and there is only a week left in school. And I'm afraid I'll crack.

I clutch my notebook in my hands and retake up the task of scribbling and writing furiously in its old, fragile pages. Drawings, notes, thoughts, feelings… All come pouring out of me and into the roughened binding. Getting it out feels good…..

Tamaki's PoV

He left his cell phone at my house.

As soon as he leaves, the phone rings. It's Amaya, calling for him. I let it ring and don't answer, feeling as though it would be wrong to talk to her for him. I wouldn't be the right one to speak with her anyhow. There is a short message on his voicemail that she leaves. Hardly a message, really. Only a choke and sob and then a dead line again. I'll give him the phone on Monday, at school.

I sigh and take the phone with me to my room. The thought of today is running through my mind. The school year is almost over and next week we'll have the end of the year festivities. My grandmother will be coming to see what we have accomplished…

A shiver runs down my spine at the thought of her.

I shake my head and go back to the end of the year. Kyoya will likely need my help chasing after Amaya. Naturally he won't come straight out and ask me, that's how he is, but I'll help him either way. He can find and realize his love. But then, about mine…

I know it probably won't work. I know she doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her… A tear rolls down my cheek as I think of Haruhi leaving me once her debt is paid. I need her to stay…I need her with me…

That's it. I'll ask her at the end of the year festivities! When the others are changing clothes I can take her aside and…and…kiss her cheek…tell her how I feel… I blush as I imagine this taking place. Laying on my bed, I fall asleep with a smile on my face and the image of Haruhi in my grasp…


	8. Chapter 8 - The Announcement

**Hey guys! So I know exactly how this next chapter (or two) will go, and I'm super excited to share it with you! There won't be too many more chapters after this, maybe there will be 12 chapters total. Let me know what you think in the comments!**

**~Lost4now**

Just one week. I just need to get through _one stinking week_ without thinking about her.

I hit myself with my notebook as I leave my classroom, trying desperately to scramble my thoughts of Amaya from my brain. Why can't I just get her away?

Shut up, Kyoya. Think this through. Tomorrow we start the Ouran Fair. Once it's over, so is the school year. Then we can go and find Amaya and be happy. She's somewhere in France right now…

I shake my head as I walk the way over to the club room. Tamaki will be even more frantic than usual… The guests are not being allowed in today, so that we can continue to work on our exhibit in the fair.

I clench my jaw tighter and almost snap my pen in half.

Tamaki, that idiot, is costing us all of our money. We don't have enough left. And he's not even done with our ordering and whatnot!

I throw my pen against the wall and pull a new one out of my pocket. I enter the club with minimal chatter, as per usual, and begin calculating and writing in my notebook. Another usual day. But this time…I see the picture of Amaya I have in my notebook. I can tell that Tamaki is going on and on about some stupid – yet exciting – idea for the entrance we'll have, but I'm lost in my mind, imagining… imagining… proposing…

I mutter a curse to myself under my breath and clench my calculator tighter. I get more aggressively into my work and soon get lost in my calculations. By the time the club is over, Amaya is far from my mind.

Tamaki hasn't been acting right all day. He's escorting Éclair as his grandmother told him, of course, but either way, he hasn't shown his face since this morning. At this rate, we won't see him until tomorrow. This concerns me, seeing as he's the only human refuge I have here.

Haruhi is a wreck… I'm worried for her as well. But I can't be bothered with that. I need to focus on what really matters to me at this moment – my father's company. Éclair Tonnere, that woman chosen by Tamaki's grandmother for whatever reason, has a company that is supposedly going to buy out the Ootori business. However, I have enough money saved that I will buy it out of their hands first.

I smile to myself as I buy it, under the name of "KO". Not too clever, but in my own mind, I like to think it means "Knock Out". And I throw the last punch to my father by giving the company he's held out of my reach for so long right back to him.

Just as I finish my work, Tamaki finally reappears. He's with Éclair, as we had expected, and says he has news.

My throat closes over.

"As of this evening, Éclair and I are officially engaged. After the fair, the Host Club shall be dissolved. That is all." His eyes met mine and I knew that there was something else. His eyes watered and shone brightly with fear and longing, as if there was something unspoken that was binding him to this woman he had hardly met.

And then I pieced it together.


	9. Chapter 9 - Retrieving

**Theoretically there should be about two more chapters. I hope you like what I've done, and I'm sorry about the slow update. I hope that the longer chapter might make up for it.**

**Love to you all! ~Lost4now**

There was no chance of meeting him today. Last night he left without giving me a chance to tell him not to do this.

That was his only chance to see his mother again, I'm sure of it. Marrying Éclair, the "French Princess" probably was part of his evil grandmother's intentions, and marrying her is what she chose for him.

I curse myself as I bolt with the others to where the car is waiting. Damn that idiot for doing this to us! My notebook is gone, lost. I'll likely never see it again, at this rate.

My mind is spinning between the need to get him back and all that I'd do to myself if he never returns. I continue to curse myself until we make it to my car.

The police force is there.

"Let me guess," I begin. "You were hired to keep us from leaving at all costs, weren't you?" I give a grim smirk that makes the force's blood boil.

"Yes. Being the family police force, we answer directly from your father, and our orders were to keep you from going after Ms. Tonnerre and Mr. Suoh." The man responded with a nod.

My fist came down full force and shaking onto the hood of the car, denting it to the engine. "DAMMIT!"

Just as I scream out the curse, Honey and Mori come crashing in with Hikaru, Kaoru, and the carriage.

"Go, now! Get me that idiot!" I mutter into Haruhi's ear as I push her toward the carriage. She's fragile right now, like a wilting flower about to fall…like a rose petal lost in the wind…

I shake my head furiously and wipe the tears away. There was no time for this.

"Nobody messes with my friends," I hear Honey grumble in the most sinister voice I've ever heard him use. "Takashi, don't go easy on them!"

The duo begins to attack my entire police force as Hikaru, Kaoru, and Haruhi make their break for the King.

I start shaking again and realize how terrified I am.

I'm turning back into the little boy I was before Tamaki entered my life. The robot that wanted nothing other than to be a success to his father, and hated all life had to offer, except for the one blossom of hope I had…

* * *

He's back. My gosh, he's back. I start to cry again and hide my face. The fair has been dissolved and Haruhi is waiting for him in the club room. By now, all of the others have left, and just the three of us remain in the school grounds. But now is my time with Tamaki.

"I know your mother was involved…" I say to him quietly. He almost looks surprised, but then gives a small, sad smile, with wide and heavy eyes.

"I should have expected you'd figure it out. I'm glad you did, really…I was hoping you would. I miss her a lot, Kyoya…" The blonde sighs and fingers the outline of the window we are standing next to.

I nod silently, mind starting to drift off to Amaya…and Fuyumi…and how much I miss each of them…

"Kyoya…there was something else…" Tamaki begins again. I look over at him, waiting for more, my eyebrows raised in anticipation.

"You see…Éclair lives in France, and she knows many people. Her family funds a school much like her own, a very prestigious school where only the best get in… There's one student whom you might know… She and Éclair became friends, and when Éclair came here, part of her intentions were to get you to come as well, because…"

I don't hear half of what he says. The lone pen in my hand, with no notebook to belong to, drops to the ground as my heart beats so loudly I swear he can hear it.

"Amaya is in France, as I'm sure you know…she misses you a lot, and sent one message… She asked Éclair to tell you she…she wanted you to be on the phone…she got your call…and she…she…" He trails off, almost unable to finish the sentence.

I grip his shoulders and shake him. "She what?!"

He gives another smile to me, this one not so sad as before. "She loves you."


	10. Chapter 10

I get out of the airport, shaking and breathless. Trying to collect myself, I pick up my black notebook and clutch it to my chest with my left arm and carry a slick thin black briefcase in my right hand. One unsteady step after another, I make it to a cab.

"Fuse manor, please," I ask as I settle myself into the back seat. The driver nods and we begin our way down the streets of France.

As the car pulls up to the door, I cool myself down by putting on the usual blank indifferent expression.

"Thank you for your troubles," I say to the driver, handing him an extra tip with a charming host-style smile. He nods and smiles in return as I gather my things and start my way up the cobblestone stairs to the doorway of the manor.

Once I reach the door, I take a deep breath to calm down more. I ring the bell and await the maid to answer the door.

"Hello…?" someone answers the door. My heart stops and face goes pale. All air exits my lungs and my lips feel dry. I can't breathe. She's staring at me too, in an equal state of shock.

"A-Amaya…" I mutter under my breath, trying to comprehend. The corner of her mouth starts to twitch into a smile, looking at me with a happiness I can hardly describe.

I shake my head and wipe the idiotic stare off of my face, going back to blank. "Amaya," I give a curt nod. "May I come in?"

I see her face fall with my frank address of her. Cursing myself under my breath, I step inside of the doorway as she gestures me in.

"So, Kyoya…" she mumbles to me. "What brings you by…?"

I bite my lip and shut my eyes tightly. "I heard that you… had a message for me." I whisper, though I'm not sure I intended to. I can hardly breathe anymore, terrified for what she'll say.

She both tenses up and relaxes at the same time. "Yes… yes, I did have a message for you…" her eyes are watering, and I can see the pain in her hands, the way the small knuckles are turning white.

I wait for her to continue.

She watches me, probably waiting for the same thing.

"Tamaki said…" I break off, unable to continue. She looks up at me pleadingly, desperate for me to continue.

I shake my head. "I'm sorry, I…" I pick up my things. "This must have been a mistake."

I start for the door and exit the building, with my straight cold expression plastered on my face to hide my mortification.

I get to the road and throw myself down into it, crouched in anguish. "Damn you…" I mutter to myself. "DAMN YOU!" I bellow to no one, seizing my notebook and ripping it open.

"CURSE YOU STUPID, NO GOOD, POINTLESS EXCUSE OF A NOTEBOOK!"

I rip and tear at the pages, pulling them into shreds and throwing them into the air. I snap the cover from its binding and launch it as far away from me as possible, digging my nails into my scalp and screaming like there's no tomorrow.

And for me, there might not be.


End file.
